Inside the Mind of a Narcissist and What H.G. Tudor's Own Book Reveals About Emotional Abuse

By Becky VanDenburgh, LCSW, LCAC

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional manipulation, including love bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment, and smear campaigns, used by a person with pathological narcissistic traits to control a partner, family member, or employee and extract validation, known clinically as narcissistic supply. It typically unfolds in cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discard.

If you have spent months or years asking whether that was really abuse, or whether you are overreacting, you are not alone. That question itself is a symptom of what this pattern does to a person's sense of reality.

Why H.G. Tudor's Book "Manipulated" Matters, Even Though Its Author Is a Self Described Narcissist

Most books on narcissistic abuse are written by clinicians observing the pattern from the outside. Manipulated, written by H.G. Tudor, is different. Tudor identifies as a narcissist and writes from inside the pattern, cataloguing roughly two dozen specific tactics such as love bombing, mirroring, the silent treatment, triangulation, smear campaigns, and hoovering, presented as a self reported internal playbook rather than an outsider's theory.

That is exactly why the book unsettles people who have lived through this. It does not just describe what happened to you. It claims to explain why, from the perspective of someone willing to say the quiet part out loud. Clinically, this lines up with something already well established. Pathological narcissism is understood as a disorder of self regulation, in which the person relies on other people's emotional reactions, whether praise or distress, to stabilize an unstable sense of self. A first person account like Tudor's does not replace clinical research, but it does give survivors language for a dynamic that is notoriously hard to name while you are inside it.

It is worth being direct about something here. Tudor is not a licensed clinician, and his books should be read as a self reported account rather than as peer reviewed science. What makes the material useful for survivors is not its clinical authority. It is the way it names specific, recognizable tactics that clients often could not put into words before.

Where Does This Actually Come From? The Empty Core Underneath the Confidence

Here is what surprises most people the first time they hear it: narcissism is not really about too much self love. It is about a self that never got the chance to form properly in the first place. Underneath the grandiosity, the charm, and the need to win every argument, there is often a person who, as a child, never felt safe enough to develop a stable, secure sense of who they are.

Research consistently points back to childhood. Adverse childhood experiences, things like emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or growing up in a home where love felt conditional, are considered a primary risk factor for the development of NPD in adulthood. Interestingly, the opposite extreme can lead there too. Children who are excessively indulged or constantly told they are exceptional, without ever being allowed to fail or be ordinary, can develop the same fragile, externally propped up sense of self. Both paths, neglect and over praise, share one thing in common. The child never learns to generate their own sense of worth from the inside. They learn instead to look outward for it, and that habit does not go away in adulthood.

That is the piece that explains so much of what survivors describe. A person who cannot generate their own sense of self-worth internally has to get it from somewhere else, and that somewhere else is other people. This is why the relationship can feel so intense at first, and so cold later. When you are providing that validation, whether through admiration or even through your distress, you are useful. When you are not, the attention seems to disappear entirely, not because anything about you changed, but because the entire relationship was never built on genuinely seeing you as a separate person with your own needs.

This also helps explain why confrontation so rarely works. A person whose sense of self depends entirely on staying flawless cannot afford to sit with the idea that they hurt someone on purpose. Research on narcissistic personality and post-traumatic symptoms shows that difficulty regulating emotion is a common feature underlying these patterns, which is part of why logical arguments and appeals to empathy tend to bounce off rather than land.

It is less common than the internet makes it seem, and that gap matters. Social media has turned "narcissist" into a word people throw at anyone who upset them, but true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is actually rare. Research estimates that somewhere between 1 in 20 and 1 in 200 people in the U.S. would meet the clinical criteria, depending on which study you look at.

That number matters because it tells you something important. NPD is a real, specific condition, not a label that fits every difficult ex, difficult boss, or difficult parent. At the same time, you do not need someone to have a full diagnosis for their behavior to have hurt you. The tactics described in books like Manipulated, things like love bombing, gaslighting, and triangulation, show up in plenty of relationships where the other person was never formally diagnosed with anything. Your experience of the harm is valid either way.

Here is what the research actually says, in plain terms:

About 1 in 20 to 1 in 200 U.S. adults may meet the clinical criteria for NPD, according to two separate research reviews published in 2024 (psycholinguistic and neuroscience review of NPD, review on childhood overgratification and NPD).

About 1 in 5 survivors of long term abuse go on to show signs of Complex PTSD, according to a 2013 study of adult abuse survivors.

This distinction matters clinically. Not everyone who is controlling, self centered, or hard to be around meets criteria for NPD. But the tactics described in books like Manipulated, including love bombing, gaslighting, and triangulation, show up across a wider spectrum of narcissistic traits. That is why survivors of relationships with partners who have narcissistic traits but no formal diagnosis still describe the same patterns of harm.

The Cycle: Idealization, Devaluation, Discard, Hoover

The most critical thing to understand about narcissistic abuse is that it is cyclical, not random, which is precisely what makes it so disorienting to live through. Survivors often describe feeling like they are losing their minds, because the same person who once idolized them now seems to despise them, only to circle back months later as though nothing happened.

During idealization, the relationship moves fast, with intense affection designed to bypass normal relational caution. During devaluation, criticism, silent treatment, and gaslighting erode the partner's confidence and independent judgment. The discard phase brings an abrupt withdrawal, sometimes accompanied by a smear campaign directed at friends or family. Finally, hoovering describes an attempt, sometimes remorseful sounding, sometimes threatening, to pull the person back in after a period of distance or no contact.

Clinically, the hoovering stage is often the hardest for clients to resist, even when they intellectually understand the pattern. Intermittent reinforcement, meaning unpredictable cycles of affection and withdrawal, has a well documented tendency to strengthen attachment rather than weaken it, which helps explain why logic alone rarely breaks the pull back toward the relationship.

What Actually Helps: Interoceptive Inquiry and Somatic Experiencing

Understanding the pattern intellectually is necessary but not sufficient. Recovery from narcissistic abuse usually requires reconnecting with the body, not just the mind. Survivors frequently describe a state of chronic hypervigilance, a nervous system that stayed on high alert for so long it forgot how to come back down, even once the relationship has ended.

This is where somatic experiencing and interoceptive inquiry come in. Somatic experiencing is a body oriented therapeutic approach that works with the nervous system's stored stress responses rather than relying solely on cognitive reframing. Interoceptive inquiry, meaning gently attending to internal bodily sensations like heart rate, muscle tension, or breath, helps survivors rebuild trust in their own perception, which is precisely what gaslighting was designed to dismantle. Attachment wounds from the relationship, and often from earlier in life, frequently need to be addressed directly rather than papered over with coping strategies alone.

You Do Not Have to Figure This Out Alone

If any of this sounds familiar, whether you recognize these patterns in a relationship you are in or have left, or you are wondering if some of these traits describe you, you do not have to sort it out by yourself. A conversation with me can help you get clear on what you are dealing with and what steps make sense next.

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FAQ

Is narcissistic abuse a recognized clinical term? Not as a standalone diagnosis. It describes a recognizable pattern of behavior associated with narcissistic personality traits or NPD, and clinicians increasingly use it descriptively, but the DSM 5 TR diagnoses the disorder, NPD, not narcissistic abuse itself.

Can someone with narcissistic traits change? Some can, particularly with sustained, specialized psychotherapy and genuine motivation, but change requires the person to acknowledge the pattern, which most people causing this harm are unwilling or unable to do.

Do I need a diagnosis on the other person to get support? No. You do not need to diagnose your partner, boss, or parent to seek trauma informed therapy for what you experienced. Treatment focuses on your nervous system, your attachment patterns, and your recovery, not on proving their diagnosis.

Is reading books like "Manipulated" recommended in therapy? It can be a useful, validating entry point for some survivors, though it should be read alongside, not instead of, clinical guidance, since a self described narcissist's account is not a peer reviewed clinical source.

This post is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized psychotherapy or medical advice.

About the Author

Becky VanDenburgh is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Licensed Clinical Addiction Counselor (LCAC) at Think Well Live Well Counseling and Telepsychiatry in Indianapolis, Indiana. She earned her master's degree in Social Work from IUPUI in 2003 and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups using an evidence-based, eclectic approach that draws on solution-focused therapy, CBT, and other clinical methods. To schedule a session with Becky, visit her booking page.