The Exhaustion of "Performing Joy": Are You Fawning Through The Holidays?

There is a specific moment I hear about constantly in my practice during December.

It’s the moment you get back to your car after the family dinner, or the moment the last guest leaves your house. The door closes. The silence hits. And you don’t just feel tired.

You feel hollow.

You spent the last six hours smiling, nodding, refilling drinks, de-escalating awkward political conversations, and ensuring everyone else had a "magical" time. You were the perfect host, the perfect daughter, or the perfect guest.

But inside? You were completely absent.

If this resonates, you aren’t just suffering from holiday stress. You might be stuck in the "Fawn Response."

Fight, Flight, Freeze... and Fawn.

Most people know the "Fight or Flight" response. But when it comes to family dynamics and the holidays, the most common trauma response I see is Fawning.

Fawning is people-pleasing on steroids. It is a safety strategy developed by the nervous system where you try to avoid conflict or criticism by merging with the needs of others.

In childhood, it looked like: If I am good/quiet/helpful enough, my parents won't be stressed/angry/sad. During the holidays, it looks like:

• Saying "Yes" to events you actually dread.

• Laughing at jokes that actually hurt your feelings.

• Obsessing over finding the "perfect" gift to prove your worth.

• Becoming the "Emotional Thermostat" for the room (monitoring everyone’s mood to keep the peace).

  
  

The Cost of the Holiday Mask

The problem with Fawning is that it requires you to wear a mask. You are performing joy rather than experiencing it.

This performance is metabolically expensive. Your brain is working overtime to suppress your real needs (rest, boundaries, quiet) to prioritize everyone else's comfort. This is why you can sit on a couch for four hours and feel like you just ran a marathon. You are suffering from High-Functioning Anxiety disguised as "Holiday Spirit."

A New Strategy: "The Drop"

If the "Fawn" response is about holding everyone else up, the antidote is learning to let things fall. Here are three creative strategies to stop performing this year.

1. The "24-Hour Buffer" Rule

Fawning makes us say "Yes" immediately because we are terrified of the split-second awkwardness of saying "No." The Fix: Implement a strict delay protocol. "Let me check our calendar and get back to you tomorrow." This buys your nervous system time to calm down so you can decide if you actually want to go, or if you’re just afraid of disappointing someone.

2. Stop Being the "Empathy Sponge"

Do you find yourself absorbing your mother’s anxiety or your partner’s irritation? That is a boundary failure. The Fix: Visualize a glass wall between you and your family members. You can see them, you can hear them, you can love them; but their emotions cannot physically touch you. Repeat to yourself: “That is their storm. I am not the umbrella.”

3. Schedule "Grief Breaks"

We are told the holidays should be purely happy. For many, they are a reminder of loss, divorce, or estranged relationships. Fawning tries to cover this up with toxic positivity. The Fix: Stop forcing gratitude. If you are sad, take 10 minutes to be sad. Acknowledging the heavy emotions actually releases the pressure valve, making it easier to be present for the good moments.

It Is Okay to Disappoint People

This is the hardest pill to swallow: You cannot set boundaries and keep everyone happy at the same time.

If you stop Fawning... if you stop over-giving and over-performing, someone might be disappointed. They might be annoyed. Let them be.

Your mental health is not the price of admission for your family’s happiness.

Get Support Before The New Year

If you feel stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing and cannot find the "off" switch, you don't have to wait for a New Year's Resolution to change it.

At Think Well Live Well, we help clients move from "High-Functioning Anxiety" to genuine peace. Whether through EMDR to process why you feel the need to please, or CBT to reshape your thought patterns, we are here to help you take off the mask.

We are accepting new clients for Telepsychiatry and Counseling in Indiana.

Book Your Session Now