What's Your Relationship Style? Unlocking the Secrets of Attachment Theory for a Stronger Connection
- Becky VanDenburgh
- Sep 15
- 5 min read
Do you find yourself stuck in the same painful relationship patterns, moving from one partner to the next only to face the same anxieties and frustrations? Do you struggle with commitment issues, or do you experience deep relationship anxiety that leaves you feeling exhausted?
These cycles are not a reflection of your worth, but often a product of your adult attachment style. Rooted in the groundbreaking work of psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory provides the most powerful framework for understanding how we connect with others. Your early life experiences created a blueprint for relationships, and this blueprint unconsciously guides your behavior today.
Understanding your attachment style is the single most important step you can take to break negative cycles, improve communication, and finally build the healthy relationships you deserve.
The 4 Adult Attachment Styles Explained
Research by Mary Ainsworth and others identified four primary attachment styles. While this exists on a spectrum, most people have a dominant style that emerges under stress. Identifying yours is crucial for growth.
1. Secure Attachment
A secure attachment is the foundation for healthy, resilient relationships. If you have this style, you likely had caregivers who were consistently responsive and emotionally available, teaching you that connection is safe and reliable. What It Looks Like in Daily Life:
You are comfortable with emotional intimacy and vulnerability.
You can trust your partner and don't spend time worrying about the relationship's stability.
You maintain a strong sense of self both inside and outside of your relationship.
You can manage conflict constructively, seeking resolution rather than fearing abandonment.
You effectively communicate your needs and listen to your partner's needs.
2. Anxious Attachment (or Anxious-Preoccupied)
This insecure attachment style often develops from inconsistent parenting. Because love and attention felt unpredictable, you learned to become hyper-aware of your partner's moods, always scanning for signs of trouble.
What It Looks Like in Daily Life:
You experience significant relationship anxiety and need frequent reassurance.
You may worry your partner doesn't love you as much as you love them.
You might "protest," by calling repeatedly or picking fights, to get your partner's attention.
You can feel dependent on your relationship for your sense of self-worth, which can be mistaken for codependency.
You may obsessively analyze texts and social media for signs of disinterest or betrayal.
A First Step Toward Healing: The first step in healing anxious attachment is developing the skill of self-soothing. Instead of immediately reaching for your phone, practice calming your nervous system with deep breathing or a 5-minute meditation.
3. Avoidant Attachment (or Dismissive-Avoidant)
This insecure attachment style often forms when a child’s emotional needs were dismissed or discouraged. You learned that independence is the safest way to live and that relying on others leads to disappointment.
What It Looks Like in Daily Life:
It Looks Like in Daily Life:
You feel uncomfortable when partners get too emotionally close.
You prize your independence and self-sufficiency above all else.
You may have serious commitment issues or a pattern of ending relationships when they become too intimate.
You might rationalize your distance by focusing on a partner's minor flaws.
You may use work, hobbies, or other distractions to create space and avoid a fear of intimacy.
A First Step Toward Healing: To begin to fix avoidant attachment, practice tolerating small moments of connection. Start by actively listening to your partner for five minutes without planning your escape, simply observing the feelings that arise.
4. Disorganized Attachment (or Fearful-Avoidant)
This is the most complex of the attachment styles, often stemming from a childhood where a caregiver was a source of both comfort and fear (e.g., due to trauma or unresolved loss). This creates a difficult internal conflict.
What It Looks Like in Daily Life:
Your behavior may seem contradictory; you might pull a partner close only to push them away when they respond.
You desperately want an emotional connection but are also terrified of it
You struggle to trust others and may have a negative view of both yourself and your partners.
You may find yourself in volatile or chaotic relationships.
A First Step Toward Healing: Healing a disorganized attachment often requires professional support to process underlying trauma safely. A key starting point is mindfulness practice to observe your conflicting feelings without judgment.
Your Guide to Building an "Earned Secure" Attachment
Your attachment style is not fixed. With conscious effort, you can develop an "earned secure attachment." This is the ultimate goal of relationship advice based on this theory.
Step 1: Identify Your Primary Style Answer this honestly: When you feel insecure in a relationship, is your first impulse to (A) pursue and seek reassurance, or (B) withdraw and create distance? Your honest answer is the biggest clue to your primary insecure style.
Step 2: Understand Your Triggers with Compassion. What specific events trigger your attachment system? Is it an unreturned text? A partner wanting a night alone? Recognize that these triggers are activating an old survival pattern. This isn't a flaw; it's a wound that needs healing.
Step 3: Learn to Communicate Your Needs Effectively. To improve communication, you must learn to express your underlying feelings and needs without blame.
Instead of: "You never make time for me!" (Anxious)
Try: "I've been feeling disconnected lately. I'd love to schedule a date night to reconnect."
Instead of: Disappearing for a day. (Avoidant)
Try: "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need some time to myself. I will text you tomorrow morning."
Step 4: Regulate Your Nervous System Relationship anxiety is a physical experience. Anxious styles tend toward a "fight-or-flight" response, while avoidant styles lean toward "freeze." Learning to regulate your own nervous system through breathwork, exercise, and mindfulness is non-negotiable for building secure attachment in adults.
The Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Dynamic
This is the most common insecure pairing. The anxious partner's pursuit of connection triggers the avoidant partner's need for space, which in turn magnifies the anxious partner's fear, creating a painful cycle. Healing this insecure relationship requires both partners to take responsibility for their side of the pattern.
The Path Forward: Building Secure Relationships
Understanding your attachment style is the most critical piece of self-knowledge for transforming your relationship patterns. It's the key that unlocks why you feel and act the way you do in relationships. While the path to security requires effort, it is absolutely possible to heal and create the safe, loving, and fulfilling partnership you have always wanted.
Ready to Heal Your Attachment Patterns?
The journey to a calmer mind and healthier relationships doesn't have to be walked alone. If this article resonated with you and you're looking for professional guidance in the Indianapolis area, the most powerful next step is to connect with a local therapist.
My name is Becky VanDenburgh (LCSW), and I am a licensed Social Worker at Think Well Live Well Counseling, providing online and in-person counseling to adults in Indianapolis, IN. I specialize in helping people navigate the complexities of anxiety and heal the attachment wounds that make relationships so challenging. My approach is direct and empowering, using proven methods like EMDR and Attachment-Focused Therapy to help you move beyond just understanding your patterns and into a place of lasting healing.
Your first step is simple and commitment-free. Let's talk.
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