Why You Feel Bone Deep Exhaustion Around Your Family

Becky VanDenburgh
24 minutes ago
3 min read

Woman looking stressed at a messy table, surrounded by Christmas decorations and a bustling family. Festive tree and gifts in the background.

As the holidays approach, I start hearing a very specific kind of fatigue from my clients.Not just tired. Not just stressed.I mean bone deep exhaustion.

It is the exhaustion that comes from a brain running a constant threat scan.Like having 100 browser tabs open, all playing different videos at once.

And the moment you step through the door of your childhood home, this exhaustion hits like a wave.

You can be a CEO, a parent, a therapist, a leader.But ten minutes in your family’s orbit and suddenly you are snapping at your mother like a

moody teen or shutting down because your father criticized your parking.

This is not immaturity or weakness.It is a predictable psychological phenomenon.

Let me explain.

The Science: The Holiday Time Machine

When you return to an environment tied to your formative years, your brain activates what researchers call the Environmental Reinstatement Effect.

Your childhood home is filled with implicit memories, the emotional patterns you learned before you had any words for them.

The smell of the hallway.The sound of the garage door.The light above the kitchen sink.

These are not simply memories.They are neural cues that pull you back into the emotional states of your childhood.

Your nervous system loads your old operating system, complete with the coping strategies you thought you outgrew.

This is why you may find yourself regressing so quickly.

The Goal: Differentiation of Self

Family systems theory calls the antidote: Differentiation of Self.

Differentiation is the ability to stay connected without being emotionally absorbed.It is the capacity to remain grounded and whole even when others are reactive or anxious.

It sounds like: “I can be near you without becoming you.” “I can stay centered even if you are spiraling.” “I do not lose myself just because you are uncomfortable.”

This is the work of the holiday season.

Here is your playbook.

Strategy 1: The Information Diet

Regression often happens when you overshare in a moment of misplaced hope, wishing your family would respond differently this time.

If someone has mishandled your personal information in the past, that topic goes on an Information Diet.

You share less. You redirect more.

Example The Pry “Anyone special in your dating life?” Your Response “I am keeping that offline for now. Tell me about your Florida trip.”

Protect your peace by protecting your data.

Strategy 2: Somatic Regulation (The Bathroom Reset)

A triggered nervous system cannot be reasoned with.It must be regulated at the body level.

The bathroom is your sanctuary with a lock.

1 Step away 2 Lock the door 3 Run cold water over your wrists or splash your face 4 Make your exhale longer than your inhale 5 Tell yourself: “I am an adult. I am safe. I can leave if I need to.”

This interrupts the old emotional operating system and brings you back into the present.

Strategy 3: The Bookend Technique

A visit without a clear end time is an emotional free fall.

Set exact arrival and departure times.

The Boundary “We are excited to see everyone. We will be there at 4 and heading out at 7.”

The Pushback “You are leaving already?”

The Response “Yes, that is what works best for us this year. We will make the most of our time together.”

Structure prevents burnout.

Strategy 4: The Holiday Family Bingo Game

This is a playful but incredibly effective psychological strategy.The goal is not mockery. The goal is empowerment.

Holiday Bingo lets you name predictable family behaviors before they happen.This flips your brain from threat response to observation mode.Instead of bracing, you become the neutral witness.

Create a Bingo card with squares like:

• unsolicited parenting advice

• subtle guilt trip

• someone asking why you are still single

• passive aggressive comment

• comparing you to a sibling

• bringing up your weight, job, or choices

• “We always did it this way”

When you get a Bingo, you reward yourself. Buy yourself something. Go for a walk. Book a massage. Do an act of self care that feels good and grounding.

Why this works:You shift from emotional reactivity to emotional strategy.The behavior stops feeling personal because you already predicted it.It becomes a pattern, not a threat.

This is differentiation in action.